While I intended to post about something else this week, my heart is grappling with the loss of my sweet Grammy. She passed away Monday morning in her sleep. I can’t pretend to know her best, or to say anything profound about life or love or faith in the face of losing her. I’m just a girl who happens to chronicle her heart and life on the internet. And today, that includes honoring my Grammy.

I’m so thankful for the last moments we were able to spend with her. We gathered around her bed Friday, not really expecting her to respond, but it was as if she heard us and turned the bus around- haha. She opened her eyes and slowly grew a little more intelligible. I scrolled through the camera roll on my phone, searching for pictures that she’d enjoy. I held up our living room gallery wall, pointing out her and Papa Jim, memories preserved forever. I pointed to Moo lounging on Grammy’s table, a family heirloom that will always remind me of her. Wedding pictures, Disney pictures, anything and everything. She said, “I like that.” …then the nurse came in with medicine crushed into applesauce, and Grammy said, “I don’t like that.” 😂 A while later, we hugged goodbye and she gave a heck of a monologue that I could not understand. I only caught the end: “I’ll see you in heaven.” 🥹

It was tough to sing at church Sunday morning, knowing that Grammy was so close to moments like these:

“Near the Cross I’ll watch and wait, hoping, trusting ever, till I reach the golden strand just beyond the river. In the cross, in the cross be my glory ever; till my ransomed soul shall find rest beyond the river.” - Jesus, Keep My Near the Cross

It really makes me wonder: What is heaven like? What is Grammy doing right now? Good Friday seems even more poignant to realize that none of us would have ended up in heaven without Jesus’ sacrifice for us. Easter Sunday seems even more joyous to remember that we get to be with God forever, surrounded by His love and presence. That death is not the end. It’s comforting to imagine her there, in this moment. 🩷

This is not an amazing piece of writing in tribute to my Grammy, Barbara Jean. My brain is not in storytelling mode, but recalling and saving as many sweet memories as I can, hoping to store them up and remember forever.

Rolling out homemade noodles at her kitchen counter.
Watching her favorite movie, “The Sound of Music.”
Popping popcorn at home and bringing it to the movies in her purse. 😂
Jumping rope in her driveway to her old-school chants.
Sitting between she and Papa Jim at church, listening to them sing.
Interviewing her for a school project about the Dust Bowl.
Listening to her stories about “the farm.”
Marveling that we both played french horn and named our high school newspapers!
Afterschool phone calls when I got off the bus.
Mid-infusion phone calls, when my chemo sessions lasted 5 hours at a time.
Playing duets with Daddy for she and Papa Jim over Zoom during COVID.
Post-shopping phone calls as I drove home from Target.
Bringing her flowers and cake from our wedding, when she wasn’t able to go.
So many holidays and so much food!

There’s something special about being the oldest grandchild. I’ll be forever grateful for the sheer amount of memories I was able to make with Grammy, and that I grew up only 10 minutes away from she and Papa Jim. What a blessing! My heart hurts…and, I marvel that we got to share so much. I will miss her always. Thank you, God, for grandparents. Thank you, God, for Barbara Jean! 🩷

An Ode to Barbara Jean

Go and Grow Season