Fill Your Cup
It’s the little things that just make me smile! I started this blog entry at a coffee shop, settled into a corner, with a real mug because I planned to actually drink the whole cup in one sitting. I actually took my mask off, not afraid of whatever germs were floating through the air. I even wore real pants today! (High five!) 😂 These are small details that I just treasure. I have the time and the energy and the ability to make this field trip on a Friday morning. It’s special. And I love it!
I am coming out of a multi-week funk. Shew! I am very thankful to see the sun again. This wasn’t my first season of sadness, but it catches me by surprise every time. I’m sharing in hopes that other people who may identify feel less alone, and also to share the continual ups and downs of a metastatic breast cancer journey. The ups are high and the downs are super low. (Such is life) 🤦♀️ Buckle up, everybody!
Surviving cancer is a BIG DEAL. I do not take the prayers and series of miracles that brought me to today for granted. My entire life, as I knew it, paused TWICE. I’m a little gun-shy about going back. (While also holding my gratitude…it’s allowed, you know.) ♥️ As I slowly start to reenter the world, dropping treatments and adding small obligations here and there, addressing various parts of life that had been either tabled or avoided entirely because of #cancer…I was swallowed by so much fear. Every day I was confronted with reminders that:
The life I left and the life I have today are not the same.
The life I left may ask more of me than I (today) am able to give.
I don’t like that!
Who I am today, and the life I have today, still holds potential and possibility…it’s just different.
What the hell do I do with that? and where am I going?
In retrospect, I think I had really high hopes and expectations of myself the past few months. I really wanted to be able to “handle it.” Every time I get overwhelmed with fear, I just feel like a big baby. It’s so humbling to realize that I am still so needy and fragile. I also feel guilty, like I overdrafted the love and understanding of those around me like, 10 times, and I just need to get it together already. Those feelings + cranky pants + 3 weeks of bad sleep = the perfect storm for downward spirals, general funk, and unhappiness.
Compound all of that with the fact that other people around me are, in fact, fragile on their own. 👀 We’re all just people. After an emotional roller coaster, I remembered: Jesus is the only source of strength and grace that can sustain our humanity, our neediness, or our (fill in the blank here). And expecting anyone or anything else to do that is just another heartache. People say, “Your can’t pour from an empty cup.” Well, I guess I was just going down the line of taps at Panera, hoping a good cocktail of everything would fix me. 🤦♀️ I was constantly trying to fill my cup, but not feeling fulfilled at all. So I’m going to edit that phrase to say, “Fill your Jesus cup.” Focus on Him and everything follows. Yes, relationships. Yes, medical care. But over time and by accident, I held them responsible for all my hopes and dreams. I placed too much in those sources. I’m so blessed to have resources and support in my life, but Jesus is still the most important factor. We all need grace. ♥️
(That all sounds a little depressing…but it’s an accurate depiction. So I guess I won’t edit that out!)
Sooo…what does it look like to “Fill your Jesus cup?” I don’t pretend to have all the answers. For me, it meant:
Prioritizing Essentials: The first thing I did was fight for some good sleep. Sweet Moo doesn’t get to cuddle (or periodically walk across my pillow and lick my head at 1AM) for a while. 😜 At 9:45, I shut the door, put my phone away, and wind down with a short gratitude journal and a good book. It really helped!
I woke up earlier to have Bible time, quick yoga and tea in a quiet space before heading out to my part-time job. I shut myself in another room to do this uninterrupted. I knew these steps dramatically impacted my response to the rest of the day.
Tracking Goodness: One day, I just realized that I was thinking more about my sadness than the good things happening around me. It really, truly helps me. One good thing at a time, one phone call at a time, one list at a time, I slowly started to refocus. Just changing directions is a great start.
Anticipatory Thanks: I heard about this years ago, but it’s so simple and so helpful. One turn of phrase that adds 5% extra hope to every prayer I pray is to just say, “Thank you God for continuing to ____” instead of “God, please _____.” I know that God is already at work in my heart. Philippians 2:13 says, “for it is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure.” He is already working in my life and all around me. In my prayers, it’s ok for me to thank Him for that, even if mountains haven’t moved in a way that I can see today. By turning my pleas into praise, one pitiful line at a time, it adds a little hope for me. I’ll take it!
Seeking help and following advice: Prioritizing my needs and watching for God’s goodness at work in and around me calmed me down enough to listen. My doctors, my loved ones, random podcasts- you name it- finally seemed to make sense. I realized I had agency to change a few things that mattered. What a gift that it was an option for me. What a blessing that I am turning around!
A few weeks ago, that all sounded like too much work for me. I’m so thankful that God continued to send me the help I needed. Baby steps, you guys. Seeking Him first made a cascade of positive improvements possible.
What’s a good break down without revisiting my favorite topic, “Where is Caitlan’s life going??” 😂 In my heart of hearts, I long to be useful and contribute to the world. My so very fragile, so very human, mind and body just feel ill-equipped to do that. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever be able to “go back” to things I used to do, or become who I wanted to be. I know that I am loved and held by God all the time, in all places. Translating that practically into how I allocate my time is just a puzzle. 🤷♀️ I continue to trust Him to lead me wherever I’m supposed to be, just in time. I also continue to look for Him here and now, trusting that goodness is here because HE is here. And right here is where I’m supposed to be.
If you’re still reading this rambling recap, bless you! I really am ok, I promise, just keeping it real. I’ll spare you from any further musings, but know that reentering “real life” after cancer is just as bumpy as exiting it.
…Or maybe it’s just me? 😜 Story of my life!!
Prayer Request: I have appointments this week to determine if seizure meds could also be dropped. (I’m just as surprised as you!) I would very much appreciate prayers for peace and trust. Thank you, friends! ♥️
