The month of October felt like a blur, honestly. I realized the other day that this was the first October in years that I spent more time in the real world than in cancer world. What do I mean by that? For starters, I had just one treatment this month. (and I spent the majority of that session on my laptop for the job I was missing, instead of snoozing or reading a book.) By total accident, I missed “Pinktober!” I didn’t go to any special walks or events. I felt a little lonely highlighting breast cancer awareness month all by myself. I missed by monthly support group meeting. Cancer is still so much of my daily life, but it isn’t on display like it has been. It’s something I juggle behind the scenes, in the footnotes.

It’s a wild new frontier, friends! I have deconstructed who I was and why I’m here for years now, stepping away from what I knew, grappling with the pieces, trying to make sense of it all. (Sheesh! Is she going there again??) How is it that any amount of change, any shifting sand beneath my feet, makes me question #allofit? 🙃 I’m so thankful to know in my bones that I am first and always a child of God. My worth and purpose do not ebb and flow with my calendar, my calling, or my earthly qualifications. But here I am, in a supposedly familiar place, and I just feel different. I miss the physical and mental energy I used to have at school. I also miss the peace and warm, buttery calm I felt in those crazy chemo seasons. I miss the emotional capacity I had for interacting with so many people, and at the same time, I miss the excuse for not having to do any of it at all. 😂 I know I’m not less of a person, but I’m not 100% who I was before cancer, or even during the years it dictated more of my life. I’m (yet another) new version of myself that I don’t recognize. So many familiar puzzle pieces are here- faith, family, friends, work, even fluffy cats- but they don’t fit together quite the way they used to. If I think about it too much, my head and heart are overwhelmed by all that I feel is asked of me, that I just can’t do by myself. But God reminds me:

• It’s not all up to me, and I’m not asked to do it by myself.

• I’m only human, and will never get everything right. #grace

• How I spend my time does not determine who I am.

• I am so very loved and known in every moment of every season.

• I am safe in this season, and living so many answered prayers!

• God’s goodness and help are abundant, here and always. ♥️

In a recent newsletter, I used the verse Psalm 27:13: “I am certain that I will see the Lord’s goodness in the land of the living!” And even though I’m processing some things, there is still SO MUCH goodness here. Sweet relief and moments of beauty still catch me by surprise. Belly laughs and sweet snuggles still calm my heart, even though new stress and worries persist. I was driving the other day and heard “The Goodness” by TobyMac and Blessing Offor. It seemed to say exactly what I need to remember these days:

Ain't no doubt about You
Everywhere that I go You keep showing up Lord, You
Make me wanna shout it, oh
You're the goodness in my life…

Through the good, and the bad, and the ugly
I can still see the sunshine above me
Lord, I love all the ways that You love me
You're the good, You're the good, You're the goodness

All the good things in this world are from God and for God. What a gift that He chooses to share them with me! 🥰️ It’s here, and anytime I come up for air and recognize it, I feel better for even just a second. So while my heart wrestles with …all of this…let’s end this with some GOODNESS!

I’m starting to plan a little faster at school! Planning for myself and another tutor = 12 groups to plan each week. (Yikes!) I so appreciate having a solid planning time on Fridays. I’m also in enough of a groove that I can actually start to multitask a little! My brain can think about the next week on Tuesday- that’s a big leap, friends! 🙌 My confidence is growing one week at a time.

Andrew has been so helpful here lately! So sweet! He texts to check on me multiple times a day, and I often wake up to a lunch that has already been packed, or a dishwasher that has mysteriously been emptied. #goldstar We’ve also enjoyed some lovely road trips and adventures. Just being together is such a blessing! 🥰️

Can we talk about nature?? 😍 The leaves, the sunshine, the flowers at the farmers market- I can’t get enough. My new morning commute takes me 10 minutes down a country road, and the sunrises have been absolutely gorgeous. Layers of colors, low-lying clouds, rolling hills- truly like a scene out of “Pride and Prejudice.” haha!

Oh yea- and I had a brain MRI last week! All squeaky clean! 🥳️

Every blessing is praiseworthy, and evidence that God keeps showing up in my life. May I ask you, dear friends and prayer warriors, to please pray for a sweet friend of mine? I know God is with her. ♥️♥️♥️ I appreciate it!

I pray that you see Him at work in and around you, too!