Behind the Curtain
* "Super Long Post" alert! Bless you for caring to be here. I truly appreciate it ❤️
Happy Saturday, all! While I don't have a lot of action to report, I thought I'd share some little things. Boring, uneventful days are a blessing that I savor. Even though they aren't as action-packed as hospital visits, they're still opportunities to enjoy life and love my people. So here's a post for the little things happening behind the scenes.
What does life look like in between scans, infusions, recovery days, weekend fun, and more?
Slow daily starts! This body basically lives in tummy-maintenance mode. 😂 It's a careful routine of hot tea, green smoothies, supplements, stretching, Bible time, Moo snuggles...it's pretty chill. I still struggle with impatience from time to time, but just letting it unfold is a skill I'm honing.
Little chores around the house. On recovery days, it might just be moving laundry from the washer to the dryer. (If I get wild and crazy, I might even put it away- ha!) On more energetic days, I might sweep and mop to a good podcast, drive to Target for a curbside pickup, have a fun baking project, etc. One of my favorites is watching a movie and ironing a big pile of clothes! (Par-tay) These are small things, but they make me feel so normal, and I truly feel like I "get to" do them.
I've really enjoyed chipping away at my online teacher training this summer. I feel so successful! I can do all the things I used to: Zoom calls, taking tests, etc. It just takes me more time. Cognitive therapy helped me have more compassion for my brain. I know that 5 hours of online lesson planning isn't really possible right now. But again- I don't have to! Dr. Greiner says to take a screen break every 20 minutes. 😳 I've been setting timers to help me work on that.
Riveting report, isn't it? 😂 Scattered throughout, I still have big waves of feelings. I'll turn in a great lesson plan for this class and get a little sad because I miss school, and feel intimidated by how long it took to finish it. I'll get discouraged on a yucky day, so tired of being tired. Sometimes I'm just more aware of how much life and my body have changed. Lula (my therapist) says to, "Live life with eyes open." See everything and take it in. Sometimes, that's happily ironing with Netflix. Other times, I'll indulge myself in a stroll down memory lane. All of it matters and all of it helps me keep going. But you know what always helps? God is constant today, tomorrow and forever- no matter what I feel!
On a particularly "ho hum" day last week, I was listening to a podcast on my morning walk. She Reads Truth "Exodus: Week 1" with Jen Wilkin spoke right to my heart. Jen Wilkin said, "Two things that cause us to question the goodness of God are 'This is harder than I thought' and 'This is taking longer than I expected." 🤯 I mean, isn't that the truth?! Just as I marveled over that revelation, Jen dropped another truth bomb and pulled me right back in:
"When we find ourselves looking over our shoulders saying, 'Wasn't it better back there?' we have the God of all generations saying to us, 'You know it wasn't better...' The Lord that protected and equipped and guided Israel is the God who will provide and equip us as well."
I stopped in my tracks because the night before, I literally said, "Wasn't it better back there, God?" Just wishing so hard that life would reset and put me back where I used to be. I have no idea where this journey is going, but the God of the universe is holding my hand every step of the way. Yes, this is harder than I thought it'd be, and it's taking a lot longer than I expected. How amazing it is, though, that just when I turn around and wish to start over, God reminds me that whatever He has planned for me is better than where I used to be. Life is never perfect, and life is never easy. Maybe this path is how He may transition me to something else? WHO KNOWS? #dramaticshrug ... that was an intense thought spiral, but perhaps the best conclusion here is that God sees and knows my doubts and fears. He also speaks life when and where I need it most. ❤️
Small activities, green smoothies, sweeping feelings- just another week in the life of Caitlan! 😂
Behind Curtain #2...
This is super long (shocking), but I wanted to give you a little preview of something coming up! Several posts ago, I shared that I joined a writing cohort for Christian women. For six weeks this spring, I learned about the publishing industry, literary agents, how to refine your message, etc etc. I love writing, but joined the group to explore my options. Was this crazy idea even doable? Well, apparently, it is! Here's the scoop:
I learned that for a publisher to take you seriously, you need an agent. To get an agent, you need to prove that 1- you're already writing, and 2- people already read what you are writing. (Well check and check!) To do that, they recommended we establish a fancy author website to house your writing, and start sending a weekly newsletter to a list of subscribers. Apparently, publishers care more about your newsletter list than your Instagram followers, but posting on Instagram doesn't hurt. Shew! At first, my main takeaway was, "That sounds like a lot of work!" 😂 After that, I just started retreating. Who am I, broken and boring Caitlan, to try to tell anybody anything? And would anybody that doesn't know me actually want to read it?
My sweet Andrew said, "You can do it! You'll never know until you try!" 🥰 So, I made a list of goals with timelines to help me get started. By July, my website was ready to go. By September, I will start my newsletter. 🥳 I'm going to start small, and just try to send something encouraging once a week to whomever would like to read it. Prayerfully and expectantly, I'll trust God to show me what comes next!
This is CaringBridge post #96. (I guess 3 years of journaling will do that, haha) My plan is to transition all my updates to my new blog after post #100. Don't worry- all the cancer updates and whimsical side stories will still be there. CaringBridge has been such a safe place for me to share my journey. In my writing cohort, the coach explained that keeping your story small feels safe, but it's not just "my story"- it's a story of God's faithfulness and provision in my life. A new blog on another site may be able to reach more people. Not to share "my story" but to share all the wonderful things God is doing for me, and hopefully share His love and faithfulness with others. (And after statements like that, I still wonder, "Who do you think you are??") 😂
Just a girl, trying to listen! Living with eyes open, taking one shaky step at a time.
So here's to counting down my last 3 posts here on "The Bridge!" Stay tuned, friends!
*Want to read how it all started? Come on over! Earlier posts can be found at www.caringbridge.org/visit/caitlan.
