The Stage IV Hokey Pokey
*For those that need to know, this post contains spoilers for the new movie "Thor: Love and Thunder!"
It's been a wild ride over here, folks! I have cut out so much of this post, just to keep it a respectable length. Thanks for reading my rambling thought spirals. 🤪 Quick news: I lost my remaining big toenail, my brain MRI showed 2 new suspicious growths, and (thankfully) the eye doctor says my eyes are perfectly healthy. Confusingly, Dr. Tan's team was super upbeat and encouraging for our monthly visit. They just bragged about how great my bloodwork was and how good I looked. 😂 (I mean, ok!) Andrew and I decided to just run with it. If they're not worried, and think this is worth celebrating, then we're in. Moving on!
On the bright side, I finished my online teacher training and consider it a success. It kept me super busy in the midst of our adventures. I've also had lots of fun visits with friends, I'm making progress on the new blog, and have enjoyed many cozy afternoons. I appreciate how every dramatic, scary development always came with something happy to balance it out.
(Would you believe that I originally spent about 6 paragraphs on that news? Yay for edits! haha)
Rambling Spiral #1
Andrew and I went to see the new "Thor" movie last week. I love Marvel movies, but this one will not be on my favorites list. Dr. Jane Foster dies of Stage IV cancer. (Within the first 30 minutes I thought, "You have GOT to be kidding! How did we pick this one?") I have not read the comic books, so I can't say how closely the movie followed the original plot, but couldn't Dr. Jane Foster save the world with her physics research and kiss-ass brain like she has before? I disliked the way her experienced was portrayed, focused on the "dying" aspect, heavy bags under the eyes, etc. I resented the cancer stereotypes they highlighted. The whole time I thought, "This is not my Stage IV experience." Marvel reduced a confident, intelligent heroine to a one-dimensional victim. It was really uncomfortable to watch. To top it all off, we endured a dramatic death scene rivaling Jean Valjean's, or Jack from "Titanic." And while Thor cried, she was praised for her sacrifice to save the world. Like it didn't really matter if she died, because she was already dying and was the logical choice. I really debated walking out. I don't ponder my death often, but I sure don't want to do it on A DOUBLE DATE! And I sure as hell am not "dying." I wanted to yell, "DON'T GIVE UP ON HER!" There is life to live and work to do and people to love, and I give Marvel a big thumbs down for 1- writing this painfully insensitive script, and 2- not warning people about it. I know they can't give the plot twist away, but could I not get a "trigger warning" somewhere in the trailer? I actually read in an interview (because that's all I, the incensed viewer, can think to do) 😂 that the writers didn't want to "shy away from the ugly parts of cancer," and they wanted to inspire cancer survivors. What the?? *cleansing breath*
Anyway... Rant over! Change of tone ahead.
Rambling Spiral #2
Levine's put together a group for young women with metastatic breast cancer. It's not official, with a mediator or scheduled meetings, but they did connect us and say, "Y'all talk, ladies!" 😂 We had a Zoom call and swapped our stories. It never ceases to surprise me how unique each person's story is. Any cancer story is a bit of a hokey-pokey. You're always in some variable form of "in" or "out" of your treatment. The Stage IV hokey-pokey just keeps going...forever, basically...but the dance is a little more complicated. It's like that weird remix of the "Cha Cha Slide" that has extra verses and moves you swear weren't in the original! I think when most cancer patients meet each other, there's a certain level of assessment. How does that person's hokey-pokey compare to mine? Does it look familiar? Am I more "in" than they are? When is this song ending? 😂 Listening to my new friends' stories, the tally shows that we're all one foot in and one foot out in some capacity. We have different subtypes, different long-term treatment plans, different family dynamics and personal lives. Every person I talk with leaves me with perspective.
I'll always wish to be more "out" of my hokey-pokey, AND be so thankful that there's a verse I've never had to do, that didn't know existed, until I meet a person that did. Yes, weekly chemo infusions imply that I've thrown my "whole self in." Pausing my career, my french horn playing, a lot of future hopes and dreams, etc...feels like cancer is taking my whole self. But when I hear about struggles I haven't had to tackle, I'm reminded that throwing your "whole self in" looks different for everyone. And every time I feel that I have nothing else to give, I find that I do. Somebody keeps filling up the gas tank when I'm not looking! #Jesus There's more of me, stretching a little farther, each and every day. Before I know it, there are so many reasons to say I have NOT thrown my whole self in, that cancer has really only taken a few toe nails from me at this point. 🙌 That silver lining, that glimmer of sunshine, is enough to part the clouds and allow me to notice anew God's love, presence, and provision. I remember that I am loved and important, no matter what variables around me continue to shift, come, or go.
Those are fairly new to me! Last summer was such a long, painful season of grief and self-discovery for me. But I had the time, the resources, and the amazing safety net of love in my life to come out the other side- hallelujah! Those battle scars are just reminders today. While it truly sucked, it taught me (you know the drill):
God is in control.
God is faithful and provides what I need.
God is always here!
This summer wasn't a walk in the park, but it wasn't nearly as lonely or scary because I had more perspective and more stamina. I am so thankful to realize this. My heart aches when I listen to stories of others who are still breaking through crushing sadness and anger. I remember, I grieve, and I pray that they will feel the loving arms of Jesus supporting them. Sometimes I worry that some think I just avoid pain or negativity without having known it. I worry they'll discount the joy I have to share because it's so far from those sad places. But I know that I'm not collecting bumper stickers or merit badges on this journey to show off. I know that I am building perspective with each round of this hokey-pokey, and maybe, just maybe, I can slowly become more of who God wants me to be. Where I am. With what I'm given.
Last week my heart ached for dear friends, ached for new friends, and ached over questions that just don't have answers. I have also celebrated good days, not-so-bad days, not-so-bad news, and more. As usual, life isn't all bad, and I'll take it. 😊 So let's take a water break, and then we hokey-pokey on!
*Want to read how it all started? Come on over! Earlier posts can be found at www.caringbridge.org/visit/caitlan.
