Both-And
Hello, friends! I hope this finds you all well. 😊 If April was a confusing jumble for me, I'd say May was more of a "drop back and punt." A time to regroup and refocus, if you will. After collecting all the interesting information of April, tackling the issues, doing the paperwork, making the phone calls, I am happy to report that I have come out the other side! I am so thankful. We will add this to the long list of experiences that weren't quite as bad as I anticipated.
Late spring is always a time of transition. It's a season of counting down, looking forward, making plans, etc. I explained to Dr. Tan that while "wait and see" is an acceptable plan for us about 90% of the time, we really needed some answers by the end of May. 'Tis the season to plan for the future and update everyone in the "real world" who needed to know. Predictably, I didn't really get any answers. Or rather, just not the ones I wanted. Haha! Here's the report, folks:
Dr. Tan and Dr. Hartzel (neuro-psych) agree that returning to my full-time job is not an option right now. Our treatment plan will continue "as is" until we hear otherwise, so obviously anything full time doesn't fit in that schedule. I would have to call in sick every Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday.
Dr. Tan is fine with me pursuing something part-time that I could do Mondays and Tuesdays, as long as I (and I quote) "Don't come into direct contact with anyone." 😒 I started brainstorming how I could adapt to those demands, and debated the pro's and con's of virtual teaching...it was a short list! 😂 Translation for my non-teacher friends: digital learning is pretty hellish, and no, teaching positions aren't just Mondays and Tuesdays. So there's not much to debate there!
Curveball: Dr. Hartzel was NOT fine with a part-time job on Mondays and Tuesdays. (Whiplash, anyone?) She is proud of all the cognitive progress I made this year, but is concerned about me taking on too much too fast. She recommended that I work "less than part-time" to break in slowly, and with limited stressors and at-home time requirements. She would also send my employer a document with all the things I'm not allowed to do. 😩 ...Soooo, pursuing a part-time job isn't really worth the headache it might cause right now.
So what DO I do? I called my principal and emailed the staff to say I would not be returning next year. I talked with HR about extending my disability status. I also hashed out some details with our supplemental benefits team, about the plans that expire because I have used them for 12 months without returning to work. #headache I did a lot of homework and research about health insurance. I kind of felt like Tim Allen in "The Santa Clause" when he kept asking, "But what if I fall off of a roof??" Everyone was so very helpful, but I kept asking, "But what happens if I lose my health insurance? Will I lose my health insurance?" 😳 My nurse navigator, Angela, promised that if/when I need help, Levine's has grant money set aside for those situations. I will be able to continue my treatment even if something crazy happens.
Transitions are tough. Announcing that I wasn't going back to teaching this fall was really hard for me, admitting the secret hope I'd held for so long. I had to grieve leaving school all over again! I think I've done a pretty good job of trusting God to take care of me, and I didn't actively worry for the entire school year. And I'm thankful that I didn't! Even though it was finally time for me to ask these questions, explore the options, I didn't really get a lot of answers. Diving into them didn't bring me the peace of mind that I craved. Pouring over the packets didn't give me the next steps mapped out like I really wanted. In a way, it just opened my heart to all the worry and anxiety about the logistics of cancer that I usually keep at bay. Am I taken care of, today? Yes I am. Do I know that I will be ok for another school year? Yes I do. Beyond that, I just have to go back to trusting God to let things fall into place. So, after climbing out of that pile of poo, was it really worth me freaking out so much? I don't know! On the one hand, I had to figure it out and get my life in order for another year. So, yes, the paperwork really did have to be filed. But the emotional baggage that I opened in that process? I probably didn't have to succumb to that. But here's the good news:
I only cried about school for a few days. Last summer, it took me months!
I actually know a lot of "insurance speak" now, and the phone calls were in a language I can somewhat understand! 😂 #starstudent
The past year taught me to define myself not by how I spend my time or what I am paid to do, but how God sees me and how I love others. Showing up at a full-time job doesn't mean that I am "living." Extending my disability status doesn't mean I'm "not living." I am always a child of God, and He continues to love me, sustain me, and open my heart to new opportunities every day. My purpose is not defined by how many hours I log at a job.
All that to say, I'm going to be ok. 😊 It'd be really easy to focus on the things I "can't do" right now, and I have definitely mourned those losses. (Contact with little people, a glass of wine when I want one, pretty hair so I can hop on that cute headband trend- the list is endless.) There will always be moments where I think, "Man, I really miss that." But there is a quote somewhere, that I absolutely cannot find, so I'll just summarize: Having so many things to miss shows that you have so much to love. I have been blessed beyond measure for my entire life, and surrounded by so much to love. I fully expect my days to continue to be full of things to love! I'm going to challenge myself to have a "Can Do" Summer. I'm going to focus on everything I CAN do- and holy moly, are there a bunch of things.
"For He who calls you is faithful..." -1 Thessalonians 5:24
So I am both remaining in the slow lane, AND I feel ok about it! I am both a little sad about staying out of school, AND excited to work on the writing dream. I am both starting a pretty website AND going to a teaching workshop this summer. (Who says I can't keep the dream alive?) I am both unsure of the future AND trusting God to pave the way and open the doors He desires for me. I am both heartbroken for others, AND confident that God will hold them tightly.
"Both-And" is ok. And I'm ok. 😊 (Lula, my therapist, would be so proud of me- haha!)
