Confessions of a Chronic Overachiever
Story of my life, friends. Story OF. MY. LIFE. I never really figured out my enneagram number, mainly because the free test was inconclusive. (How hilarious is that?) If you know Myers-Briggs, though, I am a proud INFJ. I remember reading that INFJ’s are some of the rarest personalities in the world. My mom told me, “Well we always knew you were special!” ♥️ After I took the test and read all about my INFJ qualities, I felt seen and understood like never before. For the purposes of today’s post, all you really need to know is that I, as an INFJ, am a warm and fuzzy detail-oriented planner. And if that sounds like a recipe for confusion and general awkwardness, it sure is! 😂 Pull up a chair. Pop the popcorn. Let’s dive in, shall we?
We last left our story with an energetic Caitlan rejoining the world. Brimming with optimism, running those errands, growing that hair, etc. etc. A month or so later, where are we?
I felt a tightness in my chest growing for the past few weeks. My health was fine. My new part-time job was going well. Day by day, however, I started moving slower and slower. If you’ve read my newsletter, you know the last few issues described life as “a lot of work” and “a mixed bag.” (Ha!) A lot of random events unfolded around me, but I also threw in my own inner battles. I was running on fumes. For better or worse, I think I’m just hardwired to care SO MUCH about all the things. I love details and planning, and also obsess over the tone of an email. I love productivity, and constantly wonder if I’m being useful to others. I love solving problems, and very much like to hear that they have, indeed, been solved. Behold: the INFJ. Efficiency with a lot of feelings. Great potential for self destruction, 3AM “What have I done?” spirals, and of course, social anxiety. Where has she been hiding, you ask? Well, probably hibernating due to chemo brain. Or just making limited appearances when the moon was right. 😜
Caitlan the Overachiever was back in action! This energy drain led to a variety of stress including, but not limited to, holiday freakouts, too many lattes, not nearly enough laundry- you get the idea. It’s like surviving cancer and grief were the norm for so long that my stamina for anything else was shot. (Because, it is!) I was disappointed with how quickly I folded. I constantly questioned how I compared with pre-seizure Caitlan in this new world called “Real Life.” I realized (for the millionth time) that I am just a broken person in a broken body that needs so much help. UGH
…and then I heard God in a reiki session. (This is becoming a thing, you guys.) I tried “Healing Touch” at Levine’s last week. It’s reiki in a more clinical setting, but still involves energy movement/cleansing/whatever. In a moment of blazing clarity, I realized that all of my recent anxiety was based in fear. I am afraid that I don’t have what it takes to rejoin the world. I’m afraid that it’s going to be too hard. I’m afraid that I can’t do the things I really want to do, due to either physical or mental health…hence the overachieving. But when I was finally settled in that quiet room, sniffling behind my facemask, I heard, “I’m here.” I know that God loves me just the way I am, no matter how much I try to do. I can’t earn His love. My worth doesn’t change because He made me and He doesn’t change. I realized (with much sadness) that the minute I was back in a mindset of achieving and doing, I was leaning on those outcomes as a measure of my worth. They will inevitably disappoint me, because I will inevitably come up short. #human My inner INFJ craves approval, but I already have that in Jesus. A lightbulb went off! My remorse shifted to gratitude in a snap. My heart can have what it’s craving, because God is always here. And to make it even sweeter, He created me and knows my INFJ. He loves the INFJ in me. (Put that on a T-shirt) 😂 He loves me exactly the way I am.
So…I’ll dust myself off and try again. I will most likely fumble this football again, but I hope to do so with less panic and more prayer. #goals Why, oh why, do I keep having to learn these lessons the hard way? AND YET what a blessing to learn them at all. The alternative would be to stew in my holiday stress, laundry piling up around me, missing whatever joy God sends my way. So…it’s ok.
…if you’re thinking, “GIRL! Stop overthinking so much!” I agree. 🤦♀️ Refill your popcorn and I’ll round this out with some physical updates. Haha!
Things You Probably Came For:
Another surgery? Last week’s newsletter mentioned another surgery- it’s my toe. I tried a new podiatrist here in town for a little clip and check up. I walked out with another “partial nail removal” scheduled. (And yes, that seemed excessive to me for an otherwise as-normal-as-Caitlan-can-expect toenail.) I visited my old podiatrist for a second opinion. I’m so thankful he agreed the nail is A-okay, and the invasive removal is not necessary right now. My body has been through so much. I will happily do whatever it needs. I just want to to make informed decisions before putting it under more stress.
Scans Dec. 12 By the time you read this, scans will probably be finished! I am having a CT and brain MRI Monday Dec. 12. Prayers appreciated for those as well! We hope for no new surprises and continued treatment instead of adding new drugs for new problems.
Birthday #33 You may have seen my social media pics from a lovely birthday weekend. 😍 In general, I’d say 33 beat 32 for sure. I’m so thankful for all the love in my life! You can read my musings here.
Working at Church My last post was just too early for details, but that’s the secret! I am helping coordinate some Faith Formation things until someone more permanent is hired. “Coordinate” can be a broad term, haha. So far I have recruited some volunteers, worked on a schedule, updated a spreadsheet, and asked soooo many questions. 😂 I’m learning how I can be helpful, and it really is such a wonderful opportunity.
Okay, Okay, I’m going to wrap this up! Bless you for enduring my latest trials and tribulations, the missteps and realizations. the questions and the reflections. Rest assured that many more are sure to come. Until next time!
