February Feels
“Love Month” 2024 is going pretty well, all in all! Some days, I just look around in awe of all the beautiful gifts in this season: Winter sunshine, cozy game nights, adventures with Andrew, good books, snuggly Moo, and so much more! One of my favorites, believe it or not, is routine. I think I’m getting the hang of this, you guys. 😜 I’ve been juggling my health, two part time jobs, writing/podcasting- and you know, being a person (ha!)- for about six months now. Some days, I can juggle more efficiently. Other days, I’m dropping balls and chasing them all over the place! I’m learning how to be a civilian again. I’m slowly feeling more confident, a little more settled.
A theme that has emerged in this season of life is hilariously familiar. Same message, same me, just with a slightly different color. I wrote about it in a newsletter earlier this month. My heart is such a pendulum, forever swinging between anxious busyness and grateful peace. Some days, it may even be a numb, aloof busyness, or a quieter, forecasting anxiety. (How many shades of “hot mess” can we mix?) 😂 AND…God is so faithful! He continues to provide moments where everything clicks into focus, my mind stills, and I realize anew that all the little stressors aren’t quite the mountains I imagined them to be. Sure, the details of my days still matter. Yes, adulting has to be done. But whenever the fog clears, I’m wrapped in such a warm, happy calm. And I just say, “I’m so sorry, God.” ♥️ I realize that the peace of just being with Him, consciously walking through each moment with Him, is so much better than my stewing, predicting, or worrying. It feels like time wasted, moments lost. Why would I choose that over noticing and enjoying all the gifts God has placed in my here and now? #whyamilikethis It’s hilariously familiar because I’ve been here- many times. The same God that sent the same help during chemo, seizure days, and surgeries, is helping me today. I’ve just traded some of the peripheral issues.
So many days and situations have passed so much better than anticipated! And I actually noticed! Wouldn’t it be a better way to live if we were surprised by goodness? Joyfully saying, “Wow! That could have gone differently. Thank you!” Over and over again. Instead of harrumphing over small inconveniences, that balloon in our minds with every replay and memory? I’ve lost whole weekends ruminating over school scenes I didn’t like, or conversations that bothered me, swallowing my entire capacity to wonder, to savor, or to praise. I’ve been so pleasantly surprised the past few weeks! I keep noticing good things, and am trying not to feel guilty about them. To stay in a thankful place, to keep the momentum going. IT’S SO MUCH BETTER! I want to stay here forever.
I had a lightbulb today as I was leaving school. It was another fast, wild, beautiful, varied, questionably ok day. I was trying to convince myself that it was fine, that I didn’t need to hold it in my heart overnight. But I felt like God was telling me, “Look for the calm.” A million moments resurfaced in my mind: the not-panicking when someone didn’t listen, the moment when I sat still instead of scrolling through my phone, the breath I took outside before I rushed in the house. God is in every moment, I know. But noticing the small, seemingly insignificant blips of peace in my day turned my whole perspective around. …another way He’s always pulling me back home!
I’ve often feared that I don’t have what it takes to reenter the real world, to work full time like a “normal person.” (and I still don’t know what the future holds) I’m still conscious of my capacity, where I was in 2019, and how I want to preserve/utilize what I have left. Moments like today give me hope! I know that God is slowly preparing my heart and body to do whatever He calls me to do. No secrets or strategies, just more seeking Him. ♥️
Interesting Health Updates:
My life is delightfully “normal” these days! I’m still tired, but am able to function, exercise, think, etc easily.
Hair is groooooooowing! Eyebrows, not so much. 😂
The biggest side effect I have these days is actually from 2020’s radiation treatments. Over time, the radiation has truly tightened my muscles and thinned my hair on that side. I’m trying to keep up my physical therapy stretches, but my shoulder is hard as a rock. In the grand scheme of things, I guess I’ll take it!
At our last appointment, Dr. Tan mentioned the possibility of spreading visits to every 2 months! (WHAT?) For months, our conversations consisted of, “No questions, no news! Thank you! Bye!” I’ll keep you posted.
Not to jinx it, but my hot flashes mysteriously faded away about 2 weeks ago. 👀 🙌
My next CT Scan is March 5. I’m very much praying for another clear picture! I’ve never had two clear scans (of any variety) in a row, and this could be a step toward a more confident NED label. (No Evidence of Disease) Prayers appreciated!
So until next time, I’ll just be over here living life! Staying near to Jesus, noticing the calm, and enjoying all the wonderful gifts He’s placed around me. Thank you so much for your continued love, sweet friends!
