Half Headlines
Hey hey! Life continues to evolve over here. (As is does) I’ve been waiting to post updates on the blog, hoping my updates will become more concrete and thus “shareable.” As of my typing this, however, it’s still pretty wobbly. 😂 (As it usually goes) Stage IV life is always a little vague and ill-defined, and sometimes I just have to share half-stories of maybe-news that might develop- haha. Welcome to the ride!
Due to the general instability of this journey, I find myself in a swampy in-between. Cheering loudly, but hesitant to celebrate. Hopeful for the future, but reluctant to plan too far. Relieved for progress, but unable to relax. (Ugh) I am still SO EXCITED that chemo is dropped and my body is beginning to heal, but I don’t feel…finished? And I’m not.
In 2020, I finished chemotherapy for the first time. It was a big deal! I finished my “Chemo Countdown” will all the little envelopes and prizes I had planned. I wore a fun “No More Chemo” T-Shirt while I rang the bell, we celebrated with family and friends, and I felt like I had just climbed Mt. Everest. This time is different. I’m sure I could ring the bell at the hospital if I asked, but they never offered, and I’m going back for more infusions. Sooo, what is this, exactly?
Still infusing immunotherapy every 2 weeks.
Gradual improvement in side effects and cell counts. (We do like that)
Still under most restrictions for “real life.” (Not going back to school or anything)
Yes, this is a major win! But it’s not the same “win” as 2020. Andrew and I did the math, and it seems the longest I’ve gone without a surprise popping up is 3 months. So, prayer warriors, our goal is New Years! If we get to January 2023 with no progression of disease, we can relax a little bit. This is the first time I have “finished” a treatment AND continued a second one. I hope this immunotherapy is our secret weapon, the one that makes this time different, the time that it really doesn’t come back. 🙏 (While my mind says, “Excuse me, lady with the timelines. STOP IT!”)
* Pause to acknowledge my lack of control in all things, and general need to keep goals in pencil… Thank you.
As my heart prays and hopes and wishes, I also want to celebrate this achievement. It’s a blessing. It’s a gift. It was a total surprise, and I don’t want to lose the wonder of that. I don’t know if my “N.A.D.” status is for now, for a while, or forever. But in a way, I think the scariest is behind me. My cancer has been treated and has recurred twice. That’s the major fear in the beginning, but we can check that off the itinerary- haha. I also know that God has been with me every step of the way, and He’s here in this weird swamp of unsurety. So, let’s keep rolling! 🤷♀️
A few posts ago, I said “Life is happening now.” I don’t want to wait for the ideal circumstances, or any timelines or conditions I impose, before trying to do things. Well, my “maybe news” is similar. I recognize that news can come and go before it’s all shiny and polished. So in the interest of full disclosure, and taking you on this wild ride with me, let’s dive into the half-stories that I have evolving right now.
Some of my “stepping out” may turn into something more official! A total surprise fell out of the sky last week, and it seems the perfect shape and size for me to say, “Yes!” I prayed on it, I sat on it, I mulled over it with a few people, and it still feels really exciting. The only hold-up is my elaborate tangle of red tape and paperwork. (My life is complicated, as we know.) I trust that if this is supposed to happen, it will. I’ll share more when I can!
Levine’s asked if I was interested in another TV interview. (Tis the season!) At first, replaying last year’s stress and anxiety held me back. After giving it some time, though, I decided to try again! I do feel like my story could be encouraging to others, and this is a great opportunity to share it. This time I knew what to expect, and how to anticipate my needs. I felt like it was worth a second try. I asked for questions/topics in advance and typed out my answers. While I didn’t read it like a script, I felt more prepared and ready. I think it went really well! I have no clue when or where it will air, haha- but I’ll keep you posted!
A few other loose ends that I’m working on: returning to acupuncture (but hopefully closer to home) and starting a physical rehab for my post-chemo body (also closer to home.) I love all the resources available in Charlotte, and we are so used to driving down there for treatment, but both of these sound negotiable. I’d love to find options here that could be less disruptive to daily life. We’ll see!
There you have it, friends! A few “half headlines” for you, some questions, some feelings, no real resolution. I have learned to be less-uncomfortable with the unknown. Neat, tidy boxes of resolved issues and fixed problems just aren’t always realistic. I am learning a lot about faith and trust, and living in the midst of whatever conditions arise.
I have scribbled notes all over the house with quotes and verses that feel important to me. I found one in the kitchen that said, “Rain is no measure of His faithfulness.” (Who said that? Idk!) I think the same is true for fog. When my questions aren’t answered, or my timelines feel too tender, God’s faithfulness remains. I trust that He will continue to provide what I need, when I need it. If that’s not today, I must not need it yet! ♥️
