Hobbling Along!
Have you ever noticed that when your heart is full, and the future's so bright that you need shades, the world attacks? Do mysterious challenges just creep out of the woodwork? Maybe it's just me. 👀 It took me a few days of frustration and sadness before I figured out exactly what was at work, but I finally did. Here's my tale:
*Sidebar: Sometimes I wonder if I should keep sharing weird side effect stories with the world. Hasn't this blog evolved a little bit? While some posts transcend the yucky chemo world to pleasant, spiritual messages, a "cancer story" will always retain certain yucky details. Thanks for "keeping it real" with me, and I hope that it's helpful for someone. If not, feel free to skip ahead! 😂
"Caitlan of the 9 Toenails" continues her quest. 🤦♀️ My nails have been improving slowly for the past few months, but you-know-who needed a little attention last week. Dr. Santiago said it wasn't infected (yay!) but it was no longer attached and had to go (ugh). The nail bed is technically still there, so it's supposed to grow back, there's just not a lot of it left. Losing a big toenail is just a pain in the patooty, ok? Thanks to prior experience, I knew what came next: painful walking, scary bandage changes, not fitting into shoes, changing my routine, etc etc. Even just leaning on my left foot hurt. I felt so defeated! Throw in a heat wave and a very unhappy tummy...😫 Somebody yell "Timber!" because this girl was down.
When I cracked the door open for fear and worry, it was blown wide open. It's amazing how many anxious thoughts bubbled up from seemingly nowhere. Will I lose other nails eventually? Will I ever yoga again? Why is this happening? Is my tummy a sign of something more serious? How can I ever leave the house and live normally? Am I even a fun person anymore??? ...I mean, we're talking a serious thought spiral.
After a good cry and some cancelled plans, my fears began to subside. I'm reading a book called, "Breaking Free from Body Shame" by Jess Connolly, and it's helping me remember that my body is good. Even when it doesn't work 100%, I am still fearfully and wonderfully made. God continues to heal my body and sustain it's functioning, despite a liver tumor and years of chemotherapy and surgeries. My body is good because HE made me. Cancer and pain do not come from God, but He continues to send the help I need to fight them. Last week I read:
"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." -John 10:10
A thief will always try to kill my joy, shake my confidence, and make me question everything I think. God reminds me that He holds me close, and that I don't always feel defeated, and that sinking spells don't last forever. Just remembering those facts are gifts themselves. ❤️ I CAN live fully, even here.
So, "Caitlan of the 9 Toenails" hobbles on! I am fighting fear and defeat with with plenty of hot tea, quiet time, good talks with friends, and celebrating the little things! And what are we celebrating, you ask?
Father's Day with both fathers! (So much family, so much food, so much love)
Finally taking a walk today!
Board games after dinner
Cinnamon rolls
Scheduling a haircut: Yes, you read that right! Apparently 6 months of a reduced chemo dose has allowed my little old man haircut to reappear. 😂 I'll visit the famous Aubrey to see what she can do!
Praying that you find the love and reassurance you need to fight defeat today, wherever you may be!
