Life Update

Helloooooo, long lost friends! September was a whopper for me. How about you?? I have waited to share a series of life updates (as usual), but they didn’t quite pan out as I’d expected. (as usual) 🥴️ Let’s dive in, shall we?

I have a few plates spinning these days: my health, writing/podcasting, my job at church, and my new job at school. (Plus relationships, family, etc, but these are the big tasks that ask most of my time.) While I’ve added these slowly over the past year, something about adding “school” just makes it feel more official, you know? Like all of a sudden, I’m back in action. When it feels chaotic, I try to remember that this version of life is just an extension of what I was already doing. Same me, same church, same newsletter, just adding a podcast and a job at school. (And yes, even typing that makes my chest tighten a little bit…it’s more than I’m used to. It’s new for me.) 👀 But I do really feel like these are wonderful opportunities to use my gifts and help others, and I’m trusting God to lead me! Jess Connolly says to remember, “This is the dream.” All of these spinning plates make a beautiful little life for me.

Let’s talk about school!

Yes, let’s! I can finally answer your questions! To use some teacher speak, I am a pull-out MTSS interventionist. (My oh my, that sounds way fancier than it is!) In other words, I’m a reading tutor. 😂 I work all day Tuesday and Thursday, with a half day Friday morning. They are fast-paced days! The school organized small groups for me in every grade level, a daily schedule, and what kind of activities they need. The resources are all provided, so I don’t have to reinvent the wheel, but I do have some freedom over what we do and how.

It’s so lovely. One of my favorite parts of classroom teaching was always small group literacy. How cool that I get to do just that every day! I’m basically pretending all these little groups are just the “Teacher Table” in my centers block- same routines, same skills, etc. It’s so cozy and familiar! I was also really pleasantly surprised that I have a little room at school. (Woot woot!) I was prepared to be a floater, just living in a file box, but this is so much happier. 🤩 I share it with another tutor on my off-days, but I think it looks/sounds/smells like Caitlan’s space. (Doterra and music included!) I love getting to see all ages- Kindergarten to 6th! I love getting to build tiny little communities. I love getting to pop into a few classrooms. I mean, there are truly so many details that feel right and good, and I’m so blessed to have this chance to be in school in a way that I can do right now.

It’s funny how my mind and body just kicked right into gear. I worried I would be overwhelmed by the people, the planning, or the flexibility school involves. Thankfully, it’s been alright! It’s so nice to leave school feeling physically tired, but not emotionally tired. (If you know, you know!) Even so, I can feel familiar stress and anxiety creeping into my heart. I’m parsing out what it means for me to be A- in education and B- in a life season that involves me teaching without ye olde issues…over-producing, self-criticism, anticipatory stress, etc. It was so easy to just put on a harried and hurried spirit, and questions like, “How much is too much? Is this just who I am in this setting?” I know that God goes before me and beside me, and sees my wrestling heart. I’m hopeful that I can enjoy this gift of a season. Last week I had my first hard day, and it’s taking me time to shake it, but I kindof blame that on #life. 😜

In summary: Loving it. Leaning on Jesus. Pinching myself that this is actually happening!

…cue a flashback reel of all the times I wondered if school would be a part of my story again. God is so good.

Weren’t we waiting on Scans/News?

Let me tell you a tale, friends! If you’ll recall my June update, scans were clear. We were waiting for September’s PET scan to formally declare that I had No Evidence of Disease. (or NED) Apparently, my June CT scan was too clean. The insurance company did not believe that I had metastatic disease, and wouldn’t approved my PET scan. 🤯 When Dr. Tan’s nurse explained the delay to me, I thought, “I guess that’s a nice problem to have!” So…I did not have my long-awaited September PET Scan. On top of that, there was much drama over my consolation CT. 🤦‍♀️

When insurance finally approved a CT, there was a rush to book it before last week’s infusion. The only opening was at a different location. Andrew and I drove 90min only to hear that they did not have a nurse on staff who could access my port. My only option was to start an IV. So, in the name of doing my part, I tried! Lots of tears and futile sticks later, we called it quits. Without vein access, they couldn’t complete the CT with contrast dye. They sent us back home! The next day, I worked a half day at school before Andrew and I drove to another, new location. The good news is that a nurse could access my port and we did get the CT scan. (Improvement!) The bad news is that the nurse clocked out during my scan (???) and they couldn’t find someone to finish it. Now, a chest port is a sophisticated medical device inside my body. It’s not for amateurs, and it’s unsafe to try to access a central line without proper training. I know the team did the best they could, but it was traumatizing. The nurses that unplugged me did not do it well and caused some damage. I’m so thankful that my appointment with Dr. Tan was the next morning! The port was functioning but had bleeding under the skin, and we reported the malpractice. 😳 We also agreed that, in the future, if we can’t get an opening at Levine’s for scans, we will just have to wait.

I had been on the verge of tears (and/or shedding many) for about 3 days. From the disappointment over the PET scan, to the stress of driving to Charlotte and back, balancing cancer life and real life, the drama of the CT, and now… the news. My CT scan showed a new spot on my liver. 😫 I was very much hoping that it’d be as clear as it was in June, but it wasn’t. It made me very sad. We do have a few things going for us, though! The spot is very small and undefined, and we’ve had a few of those come and go already on this journey. Also, Dr. Tan thinks this is enough to get a PET Scan approved! It may be a means to an end. 🤷‍♀️ Our treatment plan remains the same.

…and the next day was my first hard day at school. As I said above, I kind of blame it on #life. (Ha!) I just didn’t have the margin or grace to respond to dynamics as I usually would. No fun. But not the end of the world.

Overall, last week was a doozy! It would have been hard anyway. Whether it was just cancer life or just a very busy normal life- I just had to juggle both. I was so tired, and anxious because I knew I had to get it together by Monday to start a new week! Over the weekend, I tried to focus on things that “fill my bucket.” Friends, baking, yoga, sunshine walks, Bible time on the porch, etc. We’re improving, but I am oh so weary. I think it will take longer for my heart to bounce back because…it’s just so busy, you know?

My heart is grieving the lack of NED cupcakes, feeling closure or completion. No celebration buns this time. But I did make some lovely apple hand pies Sunday afternoon, and it was the best kind of project. Spending time in the kitchen with encouraging music was just what I needed. So I’ll call them “Soothe My Soul Handpies.” 😌

“Don’t be weary in prayer; keep at it; watch for God’s answers, and remember to be thankful when they come.” -Colossians 4:2

I’m going to keep at it, friends! I might be moving slowly, but there is so much to be thankful for in this season, too. I’m thankful for my sweet Andrew, making memories with friends, fun new skincare, yummy breakfasts, fun podcasts, the sweetness of spending time with little ones again…life is so beautiful and God is so big! If you’re still reading this post, my hat goes off to you! I’m sending you a big hug, too. Thank you for following along. ♥️