Post #99
Happy Wednesday, friends! As I excitedly prep the new blog and newsletter, I get to post another regular old Caringbridge today! 😂 Today is Post #99. If you're wondering what in the world I'm talking about: September 1st I'll post #100 before forwarding all future posts to www.caitlanreesekillian.com. But for today, here's a classic post of a little bit of everything and nothing. (haha)
How's chemo going? We continue on with our 3 weeks in a row + 1 week off schedule. I am happy to say that my body has calmed down a little. My toenails have been most unhappy for over a month, but last week they finally healed enough for me to wear shoes AND leave the house without band-aids. Huzzah! Walking doesn't hurt, and I can even get back into child's pose during yoga. 🙌 For a while, I tried to compensate by leaning on the knuckle of my big toe, just creating epic calf cramps. #oldladycaitlan It's pretty comical when you roll out of a pose and into a cat. He gets very confused.
My peach fuzz haircut has progressed to, well, longer peach fuzz. 😂 It's more of a downy, baby chick texture, but still patchy. I don't think I'll go without my hats any time soon, but it's interesting to watch my hairline slowly put itself back together. (All of this achieved on 75% of my chemo dosage, vs 100%) One could argue that my hair has no business growing back while chemo rages on. On the other hand, it's also a sweet little reminder that God restores my body every day. Sometimes I can see it on the outside, like every millimeter of peach fuzz. I trust that He continues to work cell by cell on the inside, too!
Let's talk about that brain MRI: My brain MRI's have been clear and beautiful since my brain surgery in February 2021. Every few months, we watched the empty cavity close back up as my brain healed. All of a sudden, my recent scan showed 2 teeny tiny spots in the same location as the original brain tumor. Dr. Prabhu said he "wasn't convinced" these were tumors, or recurrences. He said they could be scar tissue from the surgery since they were in the same area. We've booked a follow up brain MRI for Sept. 16. Either way, this worries me because they are new and haven't been seen on earlier scans. But who am I to say? I'm not the brain oncologist, so if Dr. Prabhu isn't worried then I'll try not to be, either.
The liver looked stable back in June. *respectable round of applause* At the time, Dr. Tan mentioned a PET scan to see how "active" the tumors were. If there wasn't much activity there, we could actually have a discussion about further reducing my chemo. The PET scan is scheduled for Sept. 22. I don't know if reducing the chemo is still on the table, and it may just depend on the MRI results, but that was a very exciting prospect. For some reason, I feel more pressure now the PET scan is scheduled. It's actually happening, not some hypothetical option. Can I change the results? Nope. Did I have a small freak out? Yep. Just keeping it honest! 😂
I was praying for peace and reassurance during that freak-out, and just felt a voice saying, "Watch and see what I can do."... I know that when I panic, I can't hear that voice. My pinball thoughts get out of control. I only have so much energy, and if I panic, that drains every bit of it. I'm so thankful that God continues to seek me, find me, and somehow calm me down enough for me to hear Him. I'm trying to save my energy for all the good things He would have me do. Loving people, trusting Him, helping others as I can. Any strength, motivation, or creativity I have comes from Him, and He provides so faithfully over and over again. I pray that He will continue to clear my fog and keep me calm as we await all the scans and all the results. Panic diffused. 😊
Things Making Me Smile:
I am relishing my happy tummy this week! Off-weeks are so unpredictable. Sometimes, it takes me the entire week to just bounce back to normal. This week is awesome! I feel energetic and rested.
I had a facial yesterday!
Tomorrow is date night! Andrew are going out for our 6 month anniversary. 😍
I tried a new "healthy" brownie recipe that's actually pretty good!
I was feeling so frisky this week I actually went inside to get my own groceries! (Watch out, world!) Making your own substitutions is such an underrated joy, I have to say. 😂
Additionally, you all have been so very sweet and encouraging as I start to post things online. Each comment/like/share just lifts my heart and reminds me that you are cheering me on. Thank you!
I'll leave you with a song that is not new at all, but has been playing while I typed this update. "Rattle" by Elevation Worship makes me feel like anything is possible. I get some major "Start your engines" vibes, or like I'm about to bust out of a tunnel and conquer the world. If you need a pep talk, this is your jam!
My God is able to save and deliver and heal
And restore anything that He wants to
Just ask the man who was thrown
On the bones of Elisha
If there's anything that He can't do
Just ask the stone that was rolled
At the tomb in the garden
What happens when God says to move (you gotta move)
I fully believe that God can heal and fix anything in the world. I pray that He chooses to do that with me, and I pray that He continues to send whatever help I need until then. In the meantime, I will continue to celebrate His movement and healing in my heart! Because that matters, too 😊
See you next week, friends!
*Want to read how it all started? Come on over! Earlier posts can be found at www.caringbridge.org/visit/caitlan.
