Summer of Investment
Oh, my friends! I have been wanting to write this post for several weeks in a row, but alas- life is always “life-ing.” 🤪 But I’m so thankful to be cozied up in the air conditioning on a steamy August Saturday, a heart ready to share, and the time to do so. Let’s go!
Pictured above: Park lunch date with my favorites; Andrew and I painted our front door!! I love it; Playing french horn on a rainy afternoon; mountain wildflowers; day date at Fonta Flora; Reese family July 4th fun. 🥰
As I shared on the podcast, this is a season where I’m taking my own advice. Tracking goodness, pacing myself, and taking my days one at a time. I’ve dubbed the past few months a “Summer of Investment.” Summer looked a lot like the spring, to be honest. It was the first time- probably in my whole life- that June did not bring any sort of relief. It’s so interesting to be in an education-adjacent field. My work at the tutoring center certainly revolves around the school calendar, but instead of slowing for the summer, it cranked up on high! I found myself working more hours, more parent/student facing, and with less gas in my tank. It was really hard to squeak over the finish line of May, roll into Vacation Bible School, and have to keep sprinting for summer work. 😮💨 I’m grateful for two part-time jobs that I truly enjoy, but golly- haha.
I realized in May that I was going to need a lot of help to operate at the level life was asking of me. I felt generally exhausted and crummy all the time, both physically and emotionally. I operated out of FOMO and scarcity. Worried I wouldn’t be able to keep going. Worried I’d never see my friends. Worried I had accidentally created a life just as busy and demanding as teaching. So what’s a girl to do?
I booked a lot of appointments.
I went back to therapy.
I started drinking electrolytes and protein smoothies daily.
I joined the YMCA with Andrew, and worked out!
I prayed a lot.
I read a lot.
…and once I got into a routine, I actually felt rested! I felt hopeful.
Working 30 hours/week forced me to invest in myself. Taking care of my good body, going to bed earlier, eating well, etc. And you know what? It got better! Hallelujah! Just another example of God providing what I need. 🩷 This season, that looked like the energy and connections to make the appointments and follow-through. It looked like permission to create less Instagram and podcast content, but to create offline in ways that bring me joy. I played french horn on rainy afternoons, baked sweet care packages for friends, snipped flowers from our garden, and so much more. Andrew and I spent more time together without screens, giggling over stories from our days and planning future projects to tackle. I read summer novels to finish the day happily instead of pumping out a newsletter at 1AM. It amazes me that God sprinkled so much sparkle and love into a season that, on paper, was spent in unaesthetic offices with sweaty kids. 🤪🥹
I feel like this summer slowly pried open my fingers, reminding me that God can hold me, and everything else, much better than I can. And that maybe just doing what the day asked was a full, beautiful way to live.
Looking Back, Moving Forward
I recently realized that I’m walking in a new chapter of this breast cancer journey. One where I’m this evolved butterfly who has loved and lost and processed so much pain and disappointment, seen miracles, and been carried into places I’d never thought possible. And yet…this butterly still has to work, and pay bills LOL. What do I do with this back catalogue of memories and moments in my every day life? There’s a disconnect that can feel so jarring. I sometimes feel like two different people entirely- cancer Caitlan and real-world Caitlan. When my body feels weak or slow, the two kind of merge, reminding me where I’ve been. But in general, it’s a little confusing.
I miss having the freedom to just sit with God, and all my feelings, for hours at a time. To process and wonder and sort of make sense of whatever what happening. Life looks so different today- answered prayer!- and…it can feel disorienting.
One constant is the value of small moments. For years, I learned to patiently endure really hard seasons where growth seemed to happen millimeter by millimeter: surviving a chemo day, checking off a scan, not giving up after years of treatment and multiple recurrences. Within those, the small moments of light and goodness dominated any sort of sadness. (Sadness was there, for sure, but so much more!) God helped me to see all the tiny ways He was caring for me and providing what I needed. He filled such a dark time with love and light that I will never forget!
It’s not a story I wanted to live, but it was doable because God never left my side. 🩷
Small moments are still carrying me today! Snapshots of goodness: Moo snuggles while I watch the sun rise, giggling with little ones, a great meeting where I feel like I’m on a team- the list could go on forever! So while they seem to move faster, they’re still here.
Remembering
This summer, when I had less availability to write, post, or podcast, I started to wonder what exactly I’m called to share with the world. I felt the slow creeping of imposter syndrome edging its way into my heart. I have never claimed to be a thought leader or anyone with legitimate credentials haha- I’m just me.
But this platform is based on telling my life story.
And the best part of telling you my story is remembering.
Every time I look back, I savor sweet reminders of how God showed up and the community that loved me. The familiar feelings of gratitude, amazement, joy, and more pop right back up. So I know that it’s good for me to remember, to tell, to share. Even if nobody reads it! 😂
I do hope, sweet friends, that I am serving you as readers and listeners. I’m honored you would spend your time in my corner of the internet. Thank you for cheering me on, listening to (way too many) details of a 30-something metastatic breast cancer thriver’s plot twist of a life, just trying to see and celebrate God’s goodness, one fumbling step at a time.
Random Updates
Let’s round this out with some assorted tidbits, shall we?
The win of the summer: Acupuncture! My foot pain was apparently neuropathy, and I don’t need surgery! 7 weeks of acupuncture later, the pain is almost completely gone. I feel like a new person!
The school year is starting and I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel! 😂 When the tutoring center returns to after-school hours, I’ll have two free mornings a week. I am so excited!!
One of my favorite “it’s too hot to do anything” past times is to pop a bag of popcorn, pour a mini-Coke, and nestle in the recliner with a good book. It’s been lovely during these dog days of summer.
My Orton-Gillingham teacher training went really well, and I’m so glad I did it. The last step to earning my Classroom Educator Certification is 50 hours of small group tutoring. You can catch me in a classroom near you for an hour at a time. 😉
I launched the Goodness and Grace email newsletter in August 2021. That means I’ve been writing, sharing, and celebrating God’s goodness publicly for five years. 🥹🥹 Andrew’s Facebook memories pulled up the original post, and it almost made me cry. From that itty bitty post, it’s blossomed into a podcast, a fundraiser for MBC research, public speaking, publishing in a magazine, and so much more. What a gift!
Bless you for making it this far down the page, friends! I appreciate you so!
