This Body
In a moment of frustration last week, I journaled the words, “I can’t see where I’m going.” I’m no stranger to wandering in the dark- when do I ever know where life is taking me? 🤪 For whatever reason, though, some days I feel it more acutely than others. The self-doubt, fear for the future, and the craving for definition can swallow me whole. I’ll go ahead and file the disclaimer that no, nothing dramatic has happened or changed. Yes, all is well…I just forget sometimes. (ha!)
I have so many life updates for the past month to share with you, but this is what’s on my heart today:
I’m learning to live in and care for a body that does not reflect the time and energy that I’ve devoted to it. A + B does not equal C. My immunotherapy infusions continue every 4 weeks, and that is going really well! Cancer is held at bay, and I remain “No Evidence of Disease.” (NED) It’s a blessing and a gift and I’m thankful for it every day. AND… I’ll carry the physical reminders of what I’ve been through for the rest of my life. Scars on my scalp and my side. Thin hair. A chest port that looks like a small alien clawing its way through my skin. Hot flashes, brain fog, and fatigue keep me working a little slower than I once did. Hopes of starting a family are forever changed. Most days, I think I do a pretty good job holding all of that. But that side effect salad comes for me when I’m least expecting it.
I felt such a wave of shame at my “normal” doctor appointments last month. My triglycerides were high, suggesting a diet of fried, processed foods. (Which I do not eat) My toenails lifted again, and my podiatrist had to snip most of them away. (Just in time for sandal season) My dentist informed me that I have the beginnings of cavities in every tooth in my mouth. (When I brush, swish, and actually do floss!) I was so disappointed. I felt shame for a body that looks as if I do not care for her at all, knowing how hard I try. Sadness for who my body used to be and be able to do. Frustration and powerlessness to simply care for my basic health. These symptoms are all leftover from years of chemotherapy, and just decided to reemerge! It’s hard to recognize that no matter how far I am from chemo days, the body really does keep the score.
So what to do about such feelings and affairs? Well, driving to Starbucks didn’t hurt. 😂 But in all seriousness, I know that when the overwhelm and frustration strike, I have to lean in. I lean in by nourishing my soul:
Calling my sweet Andrew on the drive home
Snuggling our fluffy cat in the recliner
Spending time with God outside
Listening to birds and watching trees sway in the breeze
Gentle yoga and morning walks
Disappearing into good books
Baking yummy treats
Working where I can: showing up, trying again, doing life!
Did this magically change my bloodwork or dental x-rays? Of course not. But the more I rest in these intentional ways, the more goodness I can see. As I wrote in a recent newsletter, it is wild, exhausting, and oh so beautiful to have a front seat to all that God is doing in my life. I know that time, good sleep and good food have a way of gently clearing the fog. (and angst/shame/disappointment/etc) When it does, I feel the Holy Spirit kindly revealing all the ways He was at work in the storm. Signs of His provision, tender care, and greater purpose- some I occasionally glimpse, others I'll never know. I don't claim to understand God's greater work in our lives, but I do know that there's value in every small moment He calls me back to Him. The practice of trusting and walking with Him can be a steep road. It can be scary and messy. (Notably, in mud of my own making- doubt, fear, self-focus, etc) And yet, the more I look back and say, “I see what you did there, God!” gives me hope for the future. After a few of these adventures in my scrapbook, I have pages of memories preserved forever. Moments to recall in times of weakness, or when I just need a good hug. 🩷
This body may be different, but she’s how I’m able to live and love and experience the life God’s given me every day. I’m also thankful for reminders that ring loud and clear: That shame is not from God, and that He created my body and calls it “Very good!” (Genesis 1:31) I know that He is working on my behalf every day, even if I can’t see it. (Isaiah 64:4) And I know that the more I seek Him, my daily experience is more loving and peace-filled. So that’s what I’m going to try to do. 🥰
I’m feeling better just typing that all out!
May and June were wild, exhausting, and yes- beautiful! I’ll leave you with a few good things I’ll always remember:
Still Good Co’s “Still Blooming” Flower Bar at Relay for Life fell into place- just on time! (Behind the scenes here)
I had a great conversation with Leonard of the Lifting Love Podcast! (Watch Youtube interview here)
Clear CT and MRI results! 🙌
Andrew and I picking blueberries for the 9th summer in a row!
A new, shady place to sit in our backyard on summer days!
God providing access to medical care I needed- like dental insurance just before I needed to use it, and prescription toothpaste, and a dentist 5 minutes from our house so it’s an easy drive!
Celebrating the safe homecoming of our dear friends, Kelly, Trevor and their littles!
A successful VBC at church! I loved leading the crafts station this year.
Getting to play my french horn at church, and having a reason to practice! (Watch the anthem here at timestamp 46:00)
New mercies every morning, God’s closeness, and being surrounded by things that make me smile.
So while I may not see where this life is taking me, I remember where I’ve been. It’s a game changer! Until next time! 🩷
